Parents often say
that they make a point of not fighting in front of
their children…
We all fight. There
is a special part of the brain that develops our
emotions including that of anger. And we have the
complex potential within our brain to develop
sophisticated and skilful mechanisms for
expressing anger in socially acceptable ways.
Parents often say that they make a point of not
fighting in front of their children. Their reasons
are usually good ones, in that their wish is that
their children experience a secure and carefree
childhood. But these children grow up and form
their own relationships and inevitably they will
fight. And they carry into these fights the habits
they witnessed when their parents fought. So teach
by your example.
Some parents are
particularly resistant to any overt display of
anger. It could be that at some very early age
they were deeply frightened by a quarrel that was
witnessed between two adults and a primitive
promise was made to bury any expressions of anger
as deeply in the unconscious as possible. However,
such people still find themselves having to deal
with situations that induce anger.
What happens most
commonly is that the person finds himself either
feeling substitute feelings (e.g. depression) or
behaving in a substitute way, (e.g. as a martyr)
and the family develops a whole pattern of
interaction that is indirect and far from clear.
It is often in these families that people learn
how to be manipulative rather than direct in their
interactions with the world.
Children can learn
so much from parents who fight honestly.
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If
you are angry, take the time to decide whether to
be up-front about it. This does not mean shout the
odds whenever you feel like it. It does mean
manage your anger, take responsibility for how and
when you express it and the way you express it.
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If
you lose your temper, acknowledge it simply. Avoid
always explaining why; anger is not always
justified because it is not always preceded by a
justifiable rationale. But once you have lost your
temper, take responsibility for it. Try to develop
a release mechanism that works for you. Many
people jog or play squash. Many men thump the door
or the wall; women who see their husbands doing
this are quite sure that they are witnessing an
alarming psychiatric aberration, but I assure you,
it is quite common although the medical bills can
be a problem! |
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Talk
in the family about anger and the way different
people find different ways the express anger. It
is a fact of life, and developing a family ethos
around the management of anger is very helpful for
children. If you do not know how to develop a
family ethos around any topic - anger, lying, sex,
money - get some advice. |
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Talk
about four-letter words. Children are exposed to
them all the time, so pretending they do not exist
does not help your children. Nor does angry
reactive renunciation when a child suddenly lets
loose with an unacceptable word or attack.
Assertiveness training is one way of teaching
people how to use angry words without attacking or
insulting the personhood of another person. Again,
every family should develop an open and frequently
talked about policy about language that could be
unacceptable at home, at school and anywhere
socially. |
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Learn
to make up after a fight, in front of your
children. There are ways of getting over a fight
where neither you nor your partner needs to feel
he or she has lost self-respect, and this is a
great skill to teach your children. If you do not
know how, get some advice. |
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Sometimes
walking away and refusing to fight is
constructive, but always avoiding the issue is
not. |
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People
who fight successfully (enough to make up again)
have got over a childhood stage where they could
not tolerate the separateness of a loved one. They
have learned to think and operate from an
independent set of ideas and feelings. This is
maturity. |
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We
all have to learn how to disagree and then move
on. |
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One
of the things we all have to face up to at some
stage is the illusion of happy ever after. Some
fights go on. Some get worse. People get divorced
because of this. Counselling through the build-up
to a divorce and afterwards is available and
helpful. Remember that the intellect of young
children is not sufficiently developed to put
their feelings into words. They can feel very
isolated while the storm blows around them. |
Anne Lupton – Psychologist -
Pietermaritzburg
The Rules of Fair
Fighting
As suggested in our
article above, it is good to have family rules
about fighting
An important
general rule for everyone's safety, adults and
children alike, is:
No breaking of
people or property. It is generally
impossible to have a productive argument with
someone who is drunk. Avoid these arguments
wherever possible - they usually end up with one
or both partners hurt - emotionally or physically.
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Count
to ten before you say anything - this gives you
time for rule 2. |
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Think
before you speak and give yourself time to "put
the gloves on" and assess the situation. |
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Watch
how you say things - Remember, you
voice tone can convey more than you realise |
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Sarcasm and screaming alienate people. |
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Fight
"clean." No naming, blaming, or shaming. Do not
call people names or try to humiliate them. Say
only things that you will not regret later. Trying
to hurt someone with words may make you feel
better at the time, but will create a lot of bad
feelings for a long time afterwards. |
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Try
to hear what the other person is saying, and do
not immediately defend yourself by launching a
counter-attack and counter-accusations. |
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Stay
with the issue at hand - do not take all the old
skeletons out of the closet. When issues aren't
settled properly, they tend to become hobbyhorses
and are taken out at each fight. This is boring
and irritating and really serves no purpose other
than avoiding the real problem at hand.
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Stay
in the present - do not talk about issues long
past, or say "you always…" or “you never”.
Be specific about what bothers you and try to make
sure that your partner understands what you mean.
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Stay
with how you personally feel about the issue - use
I-sentences, for example, "I feel
hurt/upset/ignored when you talk to me like
that/stay out late without letting me know. |
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Be
specific in you demands and state them in a clear
and positive way. Say for example: "I would like
you to spend more time with me" rather than "you
never spend time with me" or "you always ignore
me". |
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If
you really are too angry to talk decently, say so,
and make a time when you can talk rationally and
calmly. Perhaps on neutral ground, e.g. a coffee
shop where you probably will behave with more
control, or with a therapist, where both parties
can be heard and can be assisted in clearing up
the problem. |
Dr Hannetjie
Edeling- Psychologist - Johannesburg
Quotes:
"Trying to unsay a
bad word, is like trying to unscramble an egg"
"Nothing
worthwhile has ever been gained by winning an
argument"
